Puppet No More

Dear Me, I just found out that my husband bought a book about manipulation. The weird thing about it is that he covered the book cover, and when he dropped it, he got angry at me for picking it up. I can't help but wonder, why is he so defensive and secretive? Is he going to use it for the good or bad? Why is he hiding it from me? I was taught to see the best in people, and I've tried so so so hard to see the goodness in my husband's actions. He always does otherwise. There are good days, but most are worse days. He explicity mentions all the time that "life is hard" with me in it. Then why in the first place am I still holding on? I always choose to dwell on the good times so that it can compensate all the times he's physically, mentally and emotionally hurt me. I can't let myself be subject to his manipulative tactics anymore. I am my own person, I refuse to let anyone destroy my self-worth because he's like that. I pray that the man I fell in love with is still there deep inside his changed persona. I won't fall victim anymore. I refuse to be controlled and be ultimately blamed for all the problems in the world. Lord, praying for the safety of my son and I. I am afraid that he might harm us when he doesn't get his way.

Fast Forward to 2025

Dear Me, Thank you for making it. I honestly didn't think I'd survive this long. I've been labelled a lot of things, hurtful things by my husband and it's not helping me mentally and emotionally. I am never enough in his eyes. What's sad about it is I believe every word he says. He makes me feel like I'm making his life miserable. I just wish that I can make him happy. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells again. My anxiety kicking in... feeling like I'm about to be abandoned by the person I love, but who doesn't love me. There are days I wished things to be different. How do I survive in this environment? Why is God testing me? Why do I feel such emotional pain inside of me? What is this for? Do I give up or do I hold on? Love isn't enough anymore. He doesn't love me. I need to learn how to love myself. I need to be strong for me and our child. My son has Autism Spectrum Disorder. It's been a challenge. I need to keep on living for my son. He's my only lifeline in this world. Without him, I might be suicidal again. Please help me Lord. Please help me bounce back. I am very grateful for the life you've given me, and I'm afraid that I'm just wasting it because of all this negative thinking. Please give me strength to fight on. Please give me strength to live and keep on going. I am very lucky to have my husband and child with me, alive and breathing. In spite of all the hardships and challenges, I pray that we'll get this through and pass this test. I love my family, I love God, I love life. Please make me strong for my family.

For the first time

For the first time in my life, I am blogging about life on a positive note. It is difficult to get out of the cycle and break the streak and habit when you've been blogging about negative things for 6 years. I can't imagine and believe that I had lived my life being so pessimistic about my own life and even hating myself over and over again. I am also truly sorry to God and myself for hating who I was at that time, and sometimes hating myself whenever I make a mistake or failure. I am also sorry Lord for all the times that I wished that I was dead, for asking you to end my life, I just realized now how important life is. I am very lucky because I was privileged to have a good, even a great life as compared to other people in terms of stability and such. Still, I realized also that I must not compare myself with other people and what they have that I don't because it will just make me envious of others and feel bad about myself, which I am changing now. It's time for a change. I am letting go of all the negative vibes in my life and choosing to look on the brighter side. I finally deleted the old depressing blog permanently, cleared all my cookies and starting fresh and new.

I am grateful for God, that he didn't stop believing in me, especially during the times when I felt down and was at the lowest point of my life. I am grateful for my parents, Ie, my siblings and my friends for never giving up on me, even if I was already so unreasonable before. I truly would like to stop this and be more independent. Last but not the least, I would like to thank myself for striving to be better and loving myself especially now that I feel that I am better than yesterday. Choosing to live in the now, not being haunted and bothered by the past, always aiming and thinking positive and that it will be a great day, and for starting this blog.

I might sound overly cheesy and dramatic but it's how I truly feel. I feel thankful that this is a step to something more wonderful and choosing to look at the good things in life and be grateful for life and God. <3 <3 <3