Puppet No More

Dear Me, I just found out that my husband bought a book about manipulation. The weird thing about it is that he covered the book cover, and when he dropped it, he got angry at me for picking it up. I can't help but wonder, why is he so defensive and secretive? Is he going to use it for the good or bad? Why is he hiding it from me? I was taught to see the best in people, and I've tried so so so hard to see the goodness in my husband's actions. He always does otherwise. There are good days, but most are worse days. He explicity mentions all the time that "life is hard" with me in it. Then why in the first place am I still holding on? I always choose to dwell on the good times so that it can compensate all the times he's physically, mentally and emotionally hurt me. I can't let myself be subject to his manipulative tactics anymore. I am my own person, I refuse to let anyone destroy my self-worth because he's like that. I pray that the man I fell in love with is still there deep inside his changed persona. I won't fall victim anymore. I refuse to be controlled and be ultimately blamed for all the problems in the world. Lord, praying for the safety of my son and I. I am afraid that he might harm us when he doesn't get his way.

Fast Forward to 2025

Dear Me, Thank you for making it. I honestly didn't think I'd survive this long. I've been labelled a lot of things, hurtful things by my husband and it's not helping me mentally and emotionally. I am never enough in his eyes. What's sad about it is I believe every word he says. He makes me feel like I'm making his life miserable. I just wish that I can make him happy. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells again. My anxiety kicking in... feeling like I'm about to be abandoned by the person I love, but who doesn't love me. There are days I wished things to be different. How do I survive in this environment? Why is God testing me? Why do I feel such emotional pain inside of me? What is this for? Do I give up or do I hold on? Love isn't enough anymore. He doesn't love me. I need to learn how to love myself. I need to be strong for me and our child. My son has Autism Spectrum Disorder. It's been a challenge. I need to keep on living for my son. He's my only lifeline in this world. Without him, I might be suicidal again. Please help me Lord. Please help me bounce back. I am very grateful for the life you've given me, and I'm afraid that I'm just wasting it because of all this negative thinking. Please give me strength to fight on. Please give me strength to live and keep on going. I am very lucky to have my husband and child with me, alive and breathing. In spite of all the hardships and challenges, I pray that we'll get this through and pass this test. I love my family, I love God, I love life. Please make me strong for my family.