Puppet No More

Dear Me, I just found out that my husband bought a book about manipulation. The weird thing about it is that he covered the book cover, and when he dropped it, he got angry at me for picking it up. I can't help but wonder, why is he so defensive and secretive? Is he going to use it for the good or bad? Why is he hiding it from me? I was taught to see the best in people, and I've tried so so so hard to see the goodness in my husband's actions. He always does otherwise. There are good days, but most are worse days. He explicity mentions all the time that "life is hard" with me in it. Then why in the first place am I still holding on? I always choose to dwell on the good times so that it can compensate all the times he's physically, mentally and emotionally hurt me. I can't let myself be subject to his manipulative tactics anymore. I am my own person, I refuse to let anyone destroy my self-worth because he's like that. I pray that the man I fell in love with is still there deep inside his changed persona. I won't fall victim anymore. I refuse to be controlled and be ultimately blamed for all the problems in the world. Lord, praying for the safety of my son and I. I am afraid that he might harm us when he doesn't get his way.